Children are torn by issues of loyalty to mom and dad.

"One stepmother tells of the first weekends when her two primary age stepdaughters would come for their visitation time. The little girls would play and visit with their father ... but when the stepmother came around, the older girl immediately changed ... Any approach by the stepmother - be it one of love, of discipline or of simple conversation - would send the girl flying into a rage.

"After a period of time, the younger sister came to talk to her stepmother concerning the older sister. She professed

confusion, explaining to her stepmother that their older sister had told her that if she was nice to her stepmother, it meant that "she really didn't love Mommy anymore."

While most cases may not be that extreme ... questions of loyalty occur in almost every stepfamily relationship where both natural parents are still involved in the lives of the children.

The stepparent in these situations will find it necessary to take a back seat in the interim period. The stepparent should not try to replace the child's natural parent.

My wife has never tried to replace my son's mother, it is not possible to do so, and in the majority of cases should never be attempted, for the child will resist all efforts to do so. The stepparent plays a different role in the child's life, just as important, but in a different way.