The following is part of a Home Study Course for Stepfamilies via
the Kansas State University.
1. The stories and myths about wicked stepmothers, like Cinderella
and Snow White, do not affect today_s stepfamilies.
The answer is false. Our best-loved fairy tales have introduced
and reinforced the image of the cruel, uncaring stepmother and the
mistreated, unwanted stepchild for generations. Literature and research
repeatedly identifies this as a negative and influencing factor
for all members of the stepfamily. In some families, it becomes
a major hurdle when building positive relationships between the
children and the stepparent. Sometimes the stepparent, especially
the stepmother, may be so intent on overcoming this stereotype that
she tries to be "super mom." This role is usually overwhelming
for everyone in the family and very discouraging for the "super
parent."
2. Children ages 9 through 15 usually have the most difficult
time adjusting to a new stepfamily situation.
The answer is true. Children in this age group generally
have strong loyalty issues when a new stepparent enters the family.
Having the biological parents reunite may still be their fantasy.
They feel disloyal to their absent biological parent if they accept
the new stepparent, even if the natural parent is deceased.
They may have assumed a surrogate adult role by helping their
single parent make decisions, and now
feel displaced and angered by the presence of another adult in
the family.
Younger children have had less time to establish strong loyalty
ties and are more adaptable to the changes they are encountering.
Older adolescents may be more concerned about "breaking away
from the nest." They may even welcome less attention focused
upon them as their natural parent is concentrating on a new partner.
3. A stepfamily will function better if the absent biological
parent is deceased.
The answer is false. Children do not have to be connected
physically with their absent biological parent for this parent to
be an important factor in stepfamily relationships. Even if a child
cannot remember the parent, stories told by grandparents, older
siblings and other family members help create a memory. Sometimes
this also creates a larger-than-life status for the absent parent.
The child can imagine a perfect parent, regardless of any real-life
evidence, and cling to the idea that life would be better if they
had their "real" parent. To cope, a stepparent should
become aware of these dynamics and work on personal feelings of
resentment.
4. It is not unusual for a stepfamily to take at least four
years or more to feel like a solid family unit.
The answer is true. There are so many tasks for the new
stepfamily that it may seem overwhelming.
But, taken one step at a time, the new family will develop strength
and security. "Time" is an ally of stepfamilies.
I have been given permission to distribute the full course.
The course has six lessons:
- Taking Time to Think about my Stepfamily;
- Building a Strong Couple Relationship;
- Building Step Relationships;
- Understanding a Child_s Realities;
- Understanding Financial and Legal Matters;
- Working with others.
The cost for the course will be $20, this is to cover materials
and postage. If you are interested contact me and I will forward
part one to you.
