Stepping Ahead February/March 1998

The answer is false. Our best-loved fairy tales have introduced and reinforced the image of the cruel, uncaring stepmother and the mistreated, unwanted stepchild for generations. Literature and research repeatedly identifies this as a negative and influencing factor for all members of the stepfamily. In some families, it becomes a major hurdle when building positive relationships between the children and the stepparent. Sometimes the stepparent, especially the stepmother, may be so intent on overcoming this stereotype that she tries to be "super mom." This role is usually overwhelming for everyone in the family and very discouraging for the "super parent."

2. Children ages 9 through 15 usually have the most difficult time adjusting to a new stepfamily situation.

The answer is true. Children in this age group generally have strong loyalty issues when a new stepparent enters the family.

Having the biological parents reunite may still be their fantasy.

They feel disloyal to their absent biological parent if they accept the new stepparent, even if the natural parent is deceased.

They may have assumed a surrogate adult role by helping their single parent make decisions, and now feel displaced and angered by the presence of another adult in the family.

Younger children have had less time to establish strong loyalty ties and are more adaptable to the changes they are encountering.

Older adolescents may be more concerned about "breaking away from the nest." They may even welcome less attention focused upon them as their natural parent is concentrating on a new partner.

3. A stepfamily will function better if the absent biological parent is deceased.

The answer is false. Children do not have to be connected physically with their absent biological parent for this parent to be an important factor in stepfamily relationships. Even if a child cannot remember the parent, stories told by grandparents, older siblings and other family members help create a memory. Sometimes this also creates a larger-than-life status for the absent parent.

The child can imagine a perfect parent, regardless of any real-life evidence, and cling to the idea that life would be better if they had their "real" parent. To cope, a stepparent should become aware of these dynamics and work on personal feelings of resentment.

4. It is not unusual for a stepfamily to take at least four years or more to feel like a solid family unit.

The answer is true. There are so many tasks for the new stepfamily that it may seem overwhelming.

But, taken one step at a time, the new family will develop strength and security.

"Time" is a friend of stepfamilies.

I have been given permission by the authors to distribute the full course. The course has six lessons:

- Taking Time to Think about my Stepfamily;

- Building a Strong Couple Relationship;

- Building Step Relationships;

- Understanding a Child’s Realities;

- Understanding Financial and Legal Matters;

- Working with others.

The cost for the course will be $20, this is to cover materials and postage. If you are interested contact me and I will forward part one to you.

Letter from a Stepmother looking for encouragement.

Ann Landers is a columnist for the Washington Post, she received the following letter from a women looking for encouragement. Ann Landers’ reply typifies the attitudes that some hold within our community.

DEAR ANN LANDERS:

I am writing on behalf of a group of people that get a lot of grief and too little appreciation for the good we do. We are the second wives.

Second wives make all the sacrifices that first wives make -- and many more. Second wives are often called on to raise children they didn't bring into the world. They also must make sure the support check gets to the first wife, regardless of the second family's financial condition. Second wives must stand by silently if the first wife chooses to spend that money

on herself and not on the kids.

Second wives often delay having children of their own or decide not to have any at all if the money isn't there. Stepmothers live with the knowledge that the children they nurture and make sacrifices for may not be there for them in their later years.

It is a well-known fact that the judicial system in our country favors first wives with children. Mothers have the government on their side.

I have genuine sympathy for the first wives who are struggling with deadbeat fathers. They get a very raw deal. However, there are plenty of first wives who have remarried and have excellent jobs, yet they still squeeze their former husbands for as much money as they can get. Any words of encouragement, Ann? We can use some backing. -- S.R.,

Charlotte, N.C.

Dear Charlotte:

You have made a lot of good points, but every second wife should be aware that she is marrying a man with a history. Often, that history takes precedence and will continue to be his first priority as long as he lives. If the second wife is wise, she will be aware of this and not attempt to discourage his loyalty to his first family. He will admire her generosity of spirit and love her for it.

The second wife is a genuine heroine if she can handle all the baggage gracefully. But if the guy truly loves her and lets her know it, it's well worth the effort. Washington Post Thursday, January 29, 1998.

I am quite confident that Charlotte did not get any words of encouragement from Ann Landers. More like condemnation and guilt.

*****

A Package Deal

"When I met Paul I knew I was getting a package deal which included his children; what I didn’t know was exactly what was in the package.

Quote from ‘Living with Stepfamilies’, Family and Children’s Services, West Australia.

I wonder how many of you at this moment are shaking their heads agreeing on that statement. In the section, letter from Stepmother, the columnist, Ann Landers, states, ‘You have made a lot of good points, but every second wife should be aware that she is marrying a man with a history. ‘

That may be the case, but either partner does not know the full implications of that history until the stepfamily is formed. If we then do have a rocky time while the stepfamily is forming there will be those around putting guilt upon our shoulders. Telling us we should have known what was in the package.

They do not understand.

It reminds me of what I posted on a stepfamily mailing list some time ago. I was involved with a church function and I was talking to one of the blokes there, about Step by Step, the reason I started it up and some of the problems that stepfamilies face.

He asked me what sort of problems stepfamilies faced. I tried to explain the various issues involved with stepfamily life, but no matter how hard I tried he could not fathom that there would be problems.

He believed that we should function just like a normal family. This is not the first time I have come across this type of attitude.

It really gets me quite angry at times, for they have no concept of the difficulties of stepfamily life. I understand that it would be difficult for them to understand, but you cannot turn to these people for any sort of support or help. My wife has had so much guilt placed upon her by people such as this, especially with relation to my son. They feel that he should be with us fulltime and that my wife should be a mother to him.

It is just not possible, but they do seem to understand.

That may explain why we see the number of Stepfamily Associations increasing with membership numbers in America in the thousands. Stepfamilies are coming together to support each other, for the support from other sections of the community is not existent. I personally believe that support groups can be very beneficial, if the motives are geared towards support and understanding and not a forum to purely vent anger and frustrations

*****

Donations.

I have received some donations over the past couple of weeks to help with the associated costs of this newsletter. Thank-you very much for your support, it is greatly appreciated.

If you would like to make a donation, it can be sent to Step by Step PO Box 1162, Gawler South Australia 5118. I was hoping to continue to publish this newsletter on a monthly basis, but it has become necessary to go bi-monthly for the time being.

Open Invitation.

Tuesday 7th April 10:30am - 12:00pm

Coffee Morning - 5 Gawler Court, Evanston Gardens. This is my home address.

In the past couple of weeks I have had several enquires about support groups for stepfamilies. This is the start of the first support group in the Northern Suburbs, hopefully in the future we will be able to establish other support groups in the metropolitan area. All are welcome.

STEPFAMILY DAY

16th September 1998

I have been in contact recently with the Stepfamily Foundation of America. They have asked if I would be involved with this event in Australia this year. This will be the first time the event has gone international. We would be joining with the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom. This is a great opportunity to promote public awareness of stepfamilies in this country. The Prime Minister and the Premiers of each State has been contacted with regard to this matter. Will keep you informed of the updates.

The Lighter Side - Divorce.

In the first year of the reign of King Julief, two thousand married couple were separated, by the magistrate, with their own consent. The emperor was so indignant, on learning these particulars, that he abolished the privilege of divorce. In the course of the following year, the number of marriages in Agra was less than before by three thousand; the number of adulteries was greater by seven thousand; Three hundred women were burned alive for poisoning their husbands; seventy-five men were burned for the murder of their wives; and the quantity of furniture broken and destroyed, in the interior of private families, amounted to the value of three million rupees. The emperor re-established the privilege.

*****

For your Opinion

‘The ideal parent is one who is seen and not heard - and seen only if her appearance fits the bill...’

‘When we were children, grown-ups could be cross without apparent cause and sit in the comfy chairs. They expected us to be silent when they were talking and polite to their friends. They watched what they wanted on TV and went where they fancied on holiday...How it’s all changed. Children rule the roost, hogging the comfy chairs, the air waves and demand the right to have their views respectfully considered. Heaven help the parent who books a holiday without checking that it suits the kids...’ ‘Parents have to go to enormous lengths not to embarrass their children (who) complain vociferously that we are wrecking their psyches or their social lives...’ The Fence on the Cliff, Dorothy E. Ginn, 1996.

The author was discussing how society has changed with regard to discipline, and that in fact there is a lack of discipline in our society. Because of this the author suggests they lack the framework to learn self-discipline, but secondly society has to suffer this lack of discipline as the children mature - UNCONTROLLED.

What are your thoughts on this? What have been your experiences? Let me know and I will publish your thoughts in the next newsletter.

*****

Book Review

The Relate Guide to Second Families, Suzie Hayman, Vermilion, London, 1997.

According to statistics, one in three people in the UK today is likely to be involved in a step-family or ‘second family’ at some point in their life. Drawing on the practical experience of Relate counselors, this relationship-centered book offers practical and positive strategies for coping with the emotional issues likely to concern a new combination of parents.

In a second family, children come as part of the package and it is common for a ‘new’ parent to suffer from feelings of isolation, guilt and anxiety. The established parent, too, has particular concerns. How can each person learn to balance their needs with those of their partner, their children or step-children? How do you manage a sexual relationship if you are a single parent? Coming to terms with the on going role of the partner’s ‘ex’ and the involvement of grandparents, can also test even the most stable relationship to its limits.

Suzie Hayman uses personal stories to suggest ways in which you can come to terms with feelings, resolve problems and anticipate trouble before it starts. She takes a candid look at family politics - from an adult’s point of view as well as the child’s - and also addresses the relationship issues which arise if you and your partner decide to have children of your own.

I came across this book the other day in my local library. It has been a long time since a new book has appeared on the shelves. There is a very good section on legal issues of stepfamilies. Although from the UK most of the material is quite relevent to us here in Australia. I haven’t had a chance to read the entire book, but so far it looks okay.

*****

Angry fathers: Paying the high price of divorce.

Sixty Minutes 15th March 1998.

The following is from their website, http://www.sixtyminutes/ninemsn.com.au

The Child Support Agency is a Federal government authority that works spectacularly well. And that’s the problem with it. It’s so efficient in getting maintenance payments, divorced fathers are screaming in anguish and agony. Ten years ago less than 30 percent of parents were paying child support. Now its 70 percent and a vastly reduced social security bill for Government. But with its sweeping powers to garnishee wages and sell up assets, the Agency is now under harsh criticism for too rigidly and dispassionately applying its rules.

Many divorced fathers are paying such a high proportion of their wages, they can’t be bothered working any more. The Child Support Agency has forced them onto the dole. As Charles Wooley reports, that’s no good for the fathers, no good for Government and no help whatsoever for taxpayers.

I found it quite an interesting program, it showed the lives of a couple of husbands paying child support for their children. It shows the difficulty faced by these men and the prospects for the future.

On the website they have a question for viewers,

Is a father’s first responsibility to his children, irrespective of whether he has begun a new life?

Yes No.

I do believe that a simple yes or no answer is sufficient for this question. The present system does not take into consideration the possibility of taking on the responsibility of another family. There is no doubt that there is a responsibility back to the first family, but to what extent? Should the CSA take into consideration, remarriage, and the amount of access allowed to the children? The reason for that question, one of the men interviewed had not seen his children for over two years, but is still paying child support. We are reading so much of the problems children face if they do not have access to their fathers, should the CSA have a role in this area????

I am always interested in receiving your experiences of Stepfamily Life, the lows and the highs. What have been some of the positive aspects of Stepfamily Life that you have experienced? How have you coped with some of the problems faced by Stepfamilies? Your comments and ideas my help other stepfamily. If you have anything to share write to me at PO Box 1162, Gawler, South Australia, 5118.

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Stepfamily Association of South Australia Inc and Stepfamily Australia. PO Box 1162, Gawler South Australia 5118.

Phone/Fax (08) 85227007 www.stepfamily.asn.au Contact Us