Stepping Ahead Newsletter August/September 1998

I am a 45-year-old single mother of three children, aged 15, 14 and 12. I have been on my own for four years. A few months ago, I met a 47-year-old divorced man. We get along really well except for one thing – he doesn’t like children and makes no effort to get along with them. He is not unpleasant to them: he just totally ignores them.

He says he loves me, but that’s as far as it goes. He wants us to live together, but on his terms – that is, while he accepts the children will live with us, he will have nothing to do with them.

Not surprisingly, the children (two boys and a girl) don’t like him. Could such an arrangement work? My friend thinks it can; he thinks it is better for him to be honest and upfront about his feelings than to pretend he is interested in my children. I feel very confused I would like to have this man in my life, but not if it is going to adversely affect my children.

If you had to reply to such a letter what advice would you give? Can this relationship work? Should this lady consider her own happiness above the children? Has she the right to look towards the future?

You can write to me and give your response if you so desire and I will put the responses in the next newsletter.

Step Forum.

Reading this article, I thought about including a Family Forum section in the newsletter. The number of individual stepfamilies is constantly growing and you have all had different experiences and been able to work through many of various stepfamily issues. Your experience maybe able to help someone else on this mailing list.

So what I propose is that if you have a particular problem you would like to share with the list, I will pose your question in the newsletter and then publish the responses in the following newsletter. Also I can send the responses to your directly as soon I receive them.

I hope that this will make the newsletter more interactive and that those on the list feel part of the list.

I will start the ball rolling with a question, which a number of stepparents would have to deal with, Stepsibling Rivalry.

Have you been in a situation where the stepsiblings constantly fight? Or one of the children, normally the biological child constantly seeking your attention? If you have been in that situation, how have you dealt with the situation?

The following article may help some of you facing that very problem of stepsibling rivalry.

Stepsibling Rivalry.

From Heather Millar - Parenting Magazine

The McNaught family learned first hand why The Brady Bunch is strictly a television fairy tale. The truth is, a battle between

Stepsiblings can make a typical sibling quarrel look like a tea party.

Anger, jealousy, and territorialism — all the familiar ingredients of sibling rivalry are there. But in a stepfamily, loss, insecurity, and confusion get thrown in, too.

"Not only must the kids compete for space at the bathroom sink or attention at the dinner table," says Judith Bauersfeld, president of the Stepfamily Association of America in Lincoln, Nebraska, "but underlying every territorial skirmish is the nagging fear they’ll lose their parent’s love or be forgotten in the shuffle."

With a little judicious help from both the parent and the stepparent, however, it is possible to work out some sort of peaceful reconciliation. The kids may not end up being best friends, but at least they’ll be able to live together in an atmosphere of mutual respect.

The best way to avoid a familial cold war is to sit down as a group and agree on a set of family rules. Both parents should also explain to their biological kids that they will enforce household rules impartially. "Because stepchildren are likely to feel insecure, they’re much more sensitive to any hint of favouritism", says Seymour Reit, the author of Sibling Rivalry.

It’s also important to let the kids know that no matter how badly they clash, the stepfamily will survive. "Sometimes children fight just to see if they can break up a stepfamily situation," Reit explains. "If parents make it clear that their relationship is permanent, the children will have at least one less reason to continue battling each other."

When to Take Action Of course, no amount of reassurance and preparation can create instant harmony between stepsibs. But before they rush to punish duelling siblings, parents need to figure out how the world has changed for everyone involved. Is a child who had his own room now sharing one? Does an only child now have a stepsibling of the same age or sex competing for attention? Is the oldest child in one family now a middle child? Whatever the situation, parents need to make a special daily effort to reassure their own children that they will continue to occupy an important place in the new family.

Therapists also advise parents to avoid becoming too involved in policing routine kid disagreements. Instead, they recommend that mothers and fathers try to make quick decisions about which arguments are petty and which are dangerous. If the kids are bickering about who messed up the living room, for example, parents should simply insist that the room be cleaned and let them sort out how it will get done. If there’s physical fighting, however, they should get involved immediately.

Although the fires of stepsibling rivalry may burn white-hot at first, parents can take comfort in the knowledge that the worst conflicts generally subside over time. "Handled properly," says Bauersfeld, "stepsibling rivalry almost always settles down."

Step Library

Stepfamily Problems: How to Solve Them, (1997) Tom and Adrienne Frydenger.

Baker Book House Company, Grand Rapids. (188 pages)

Stepfamily Problems provides straightforward, down to earth answers about the whos, the whys and the whens of anger, resentment, and conflicts blended families experience. Families are given the tools they need to resolve conflict and disappointment, fostering trust and teamwork between family members.

Writing from the experience of their own blended family, the authors zero in on how to handle resentment, both from the point of view of the child and the adult. Offering hope and encouragement, this book teaches Stepfamilies how to form a new family structure and to build relationships within it. This process isn’t always easy, but if you implement the steps in this book, "your blended family can achieve a healthy and happy family life."

I actually bought this book from the Word Bookstore in the city for only $5.

One section of the book I enjoyed was, ‘if I had a magic wand I would…….’

For example:


	Family loyalty and togetherness, that’s what a magic wand would bring to our blended family. All for one and one for all, just like in the movies.

	If I had a magic wand, when my husband disciplines my children, he would do it in love. And he would realise that there are exceptions to the rule.

	If I had a magic wand, I would line my family up, wave the wand over the and ‘poof!’…perfect family relationships.

	If I had a magic wand, the first thing I would do is make my blended family into a nuclear family. Now that would fix everything.

	With my trusty wand in hand, I would run across town, wave it over the other household and make it disappear.

Internet.

If you have access to the internet, do not forget my website, http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Acres/3308/ and now an easier one to remember http://www.welcome.to/stepfamily

Step by Step News

	As you would have noticed the format of the newsletter has changed, this change helps with the overall cost of the newsletter.
	I have always tried to keep this newsletter fairly informal, just one stepparent writing to other stepparents. The aim of the section is to keep you up to date with what is happening.

The newsletter is late this time round due to the birth of our daughter Shania Grace. The last few weeks have been very hectic.

Have been working on a constitution for Step by Step so we can become an incorporated body. The main aim of incorporation is to enable me to seek funding to continue with the work of Step by Step and to provide extra services.

Although there is some funding that I am applying for at the present moment. This funding should enable me to purchase some video-based programs which means I would be able to run courses if required.

Talking about courses, if you know of any courses or you are running a course for Stepfamilies please contact me and I will gladly advertise the event in this newsletter. There are only two more newsletters for this year, Oct/Nov and Dec/Jan.

As I mentioned before the number of Stepfamilies on the mailing list is increasing, in fact the newsletter is also being sent to Western Australia, Victoria, and Queensland. The response to the newsletter has been extremely encouraging. Nevertheless, there is always room for improvement. Have you any ideas on how the newsletter could be improved? Is there something in particular you would like me to write about?

Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies

Home Study Course

I thought I would mention this course once again. I have sent a couple of the courses out to people.

This is a course from America, which I have been given permission to distribute here in Australia.

The following is an excerpt from the course.

This first lesson in the Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies home study series helps you think about the myths and realities of living in a stepfamily.

The other lessons are designed to help you focus on specific issues that are important to Stepfamilies. The titles of the other lessons are:

Lesson 2: Building a Strong Couple Relationship

Lesson 3: Building Step Relationships

Lesson 4: Understanding a Child's Realities

Lesson 5: Understanding Financial and Legal Matters

Lesson 6: Working with Others

The cost of the course is $20 for postage and handling.

If you are interested in doing the above course, please contact me and I will forward Lesson one to you, if you wish to continue with the study please forward your cheque to Step by Step and I will then send a lesson to you every week until the completion of the course.

John Faulkner

***********

Hardest Step of All

Sunday Mail 14/6/98

Holly Skelton

Like the happy-go-lucky kids in the Brady Bunch, television representations of stepfamilies tend to paint an image that is far from reality.

If divorce is one of the most stressful things that a person can go through, becoming part of a stepfamily is potentially worse.

It is however, a situation that many Australians have faced. Between 30 and 40 per cent of children will live in a stepfamily before the age of 16, according to a recent study. In Britain, and estimated 18 million adults and children live in a stepfamily.

"Even if it’s handled very carefully, becoming a stepfamily is not easy, especially if both parties have children from previous marriages who are now going to be living under one roof," said Professor Dianna Kenny, a psychologist and behavioural sciences expert at Sydney University.

Stepfamilies have become so prevalent in modern Australian society that they now feature in the new advertising campaign for McDonald’s.

The advertisement shows two primary school pupils drawing their respective families at school.. The two children are taken separately to McDonald’s that evening for dinner but end up sharing a meal together.

"We felt the single parent theme was different but appropriate," said Nick Nichles of McDonald’s. "We like our advertisements to be topical and relevant to our customers."

Like the happy-go-lucky kids in the Brady Bunch, television representations of stepfamilies tend to paint an image that is far from reality.

To redress the balance, bestselling author Joanna Trollope, herself a stepparent, has just released a novel entitled Other People’s Children, which focuses on the conflicting loyalties children face when they become a member of a stepfamily. In the novel, Trollope exposes the destructive intentions of children in a new stepfamily.

"Sometimes the children can destroy the new relationship be being conflict-producing in their new setting." Said professor Kenny. "They do it intentionally because they are so angry and hurt and upset."

Problems for stepfamilies often arise because roles within the family unit become redefined when another partner is added.

"Kids don’t want another parent usually, especially if they are above eight or nine years old, but at the same time the new partner in the family has got to have some power," said Dr Clare Harding, stepfamily psychologist.

"Problems arise because people have unrealistic expectations. They fall in love with their partner and go into the stepfamily relationship with enormous expectations and enormous good will, but it doesn’t always work like that because kids aren’t in the same situation.

This is especially so if, for example a mother has been living alone with her teenage for an extended time. They may have become confidantes and when a new partner comes along, the role of confidante reverts to the partner.

"A lot of children will experience that they are losing their sole parent to an additional partner which contributes to their sense of displacement and abandonment," Professor Kenny said.

Additional problems may arise when both parents have children from previous marriages living under the same roof. The children may end up competing with their siblings for parental attention.

"We have a good relationship now but the first couple of years were reasonably torrid," said Philip Walters (not his real name) a 43 year old electrician.

"I think it was the whole breakup of the family structure that caused the problems. I was an unknown quantity: it was like ‘this is the man who broke up our family’, although it wasn’t like that," he said.

Philip, whose young son and daughter from his previous marriage stayed with him on the weekends, married Liz, who had two teenage daughters who lived with her.

"You basically have to win their confidence and treat them as people and not try and take over their lives," he said.

"You must attempt to accept the kids because they are part and parcel of the woman that you are trying to love and have a relationship with. If you don’t accept them then you’ll never fit in.

"You’ve got to care about the kids – they’re the ones that are ultimately going to make or break the relationship because they’re the ones that are going to tear the mother away from you."

Jan Nicholson, a psychologist in the School of Public Health at Queensland University of Technology, has done research with stepfamilies for the last eight years. She has spoken to hundreds of couple and children about the difficulties they faced when they became part of a stepfamily.

"A significant number of families go through adjustment problems, but that’s a normal part of most transitions," she said.

"But lots of families don’t come to see us until they reach the stage where they are really distressed. It is important that families seek help while the couple is still in a stable, secure relationship.

"We can then provide them with the sorts of skills that are going to help them manage problems as they arise.

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Stepfamily Association of South Australia Inc and Stepfamily Australia. PO Box 1162, Gawler South Australia 5118.

Phone/Fax (08) 85227007 www.stepfamily.asn.au Contact Us