[ Back ] [ Home ] [ Up ] [ Next ]

Stepping Ahead

September 1997
 

Could almost call this the October Newsletter instead of September’s. It has been just one of those months.
Received a letter not so long ago, I have given it the title, ‘What is it like being a woman marrying a partner with a child from a previous marriage?’ The letter is the reflection of a stepmother over a period of 18 years.

It has been discussed in earlier issues the difficulty that Stepmothers face, but the letter made me reflect more on the non-custodial parent, usually the man. In a stepfamily situation how should he deal with being a non-custodial parent. He may find himself in the situation of his partner having children, they may decide have children of their own, but constantly in the background is his own children from a previous relationship.
How does he juggle the task? Should he in fact keep in contact with these children? How does he ensure that all members of the family is treated equally and fairly? I do not believe that it is an easy task, there are many hurdles to jump, but with time and patience a working relationship with all parties is both possible and feasible.
(John Faulkner)

But first the letter, ‘What is it like being a woman marrying a partner with a child from a
previous marriage?’

What struck me the most at the time was the way things were made so difficult for my partner to maintain the relationship he had formed with his daughter, aged about one year when the marital relationship ended.
Although the former wife travelled often to see friends in the country location she would not take the child to see her father.
However, he did travel to the city, devoting the day to the child, and travelling back home again. Collection times became an area of contention. If it suited the former, then times were okay. If it didn't, then she very loudly let him know about it, and pressure was later brought to bear in Family Court dealings.

Stage 2 was probably the Family Court access process. Access was used as an instrument to ensure that property was equally divided. One afternoon on a fortnightly weekend became the
focal access time. A father/daughter relationship cannot realistically occur around such infrequency.

Stage 3 was the deliberately antagonistic flouting of the family court's access order by the former wife. He would receive phone calls the night before or be notified at the door that the arrangements would be changed. Sometimes visits would simply not be permitted because they did not fit in with her social life. He had little choice.

Stage 4 came when we started to have our own children. No longer could extreme lengths be gone to for the needs of solely one child. Initially my baby's needs were secondary to the access child's. It was still expected that we travel, sometimes in the afternoons of days greater than 32 degrees Celsius, with our very young baby in the car.

The former wife had shown herself willing to create evidence about threats of violence, when the reality was that he is a gentle person, and she had perpetrated verbal and physical abuse in the previous marriage.

The child is now nearly 18 years old and sometimes we hear news about her recent achievements from others. Over the years we've received a letter prior to birthdays to remind us to send money or buy a present. The child has not even posted my husband a birthday card in all those years. Recently the child wrote asking my husband to sign a form to officially eliminate his last name from her name.

On reflection, what I see throughout this story, is that the former wife's needs were paramount throughout. In spite of Court Orders, changing locations, marital and family obligations, and the needs of other children, he continued to experience discrimination because of assumptions. For example a man would not have a close relationship with a baby daughter. He would not wish to continue that relationship post-divorce.
I, as a new partner felt devalued because my needs were rarely considered, and our family
experience disruptions and stresses as each obstacle needed to be overcome.

Would you like to share your story with others?
What you have experienced or the way you have dealt with difficult situations may help
someone else.

Non-Custodial Parents.

The letter highlights some of the complexities of stepfamily life, especially around the non-custodial parent who is trying to maintain contact with their child/children from a previous relationship.

Reflecting on my early years in a Stepfamily, I realise that I was also guilty of placing my child before the needs of my wife or my new family. I do not believe that this was intentional but in fact my endeavour to form a family similar to the normal nuclear family. In the beginning after my former wife left our family home in Queensland to live with her parents her in South Australia, I decided the only option I had was to move down here to be closer to my son, but also in the attempt to restore my marriage. It was a difficult time, access was made very difficult, my wife and her family did not want me to have contact with my son. There was no reason for this, but it was their way of trying to get me to put my tail between my legs and return to Queensland. This never occurred, it became obvious that I would not be able to restore my marriage but my relationship with my son became paramount in my life.

Basically my life was maintaining that relationship with my son. Was this done out of guilt, because I felt I had let him down, I am not too sure of the answer. Access became easier, with regular fortnightly visits and also holidays with my son. This went on for two years before my present wife and I met. When we decided to marry there was an urgency to ensure that my son was not left out that he would feel part of the new family that was formed. But I went about it all wrong, my focus was on my son, and not my wife. I would not be surprised if a number of men go down the same path not aware of the pitfalls ahead.

When will it ever end?

That is one of the headings in Ruth Webbers books Living in a Stepfamily. Ruth Webber goes on to say on page 70 that, ‘Many of you will have wished, at some time, that the former spouse would disappear or even die. It is not so much that you wish them any harm, but that you just are sick and tired of all the hassles.
How many times have you felt like that?

Should Access Fathers remain in contact
with their children?

There would be different opinions on this question

Although they may tackle the situation incorrectly, non custodial  parents, mostly fathers, should
endeavour to keep in contact with their children. Some custodial mothers do not want this arrangement, they do not want the father involved with their children's lives. The reasons are many, but unfortunately some mothers use the child as a means of getting even with their former husbands.

Research is showing that children who do not have contact with their fathers may develop
behavioural problems. Researchers are divided though  on the amount and type of access. Overall, the largest number of problems was found among boys who had high conflict and high contact, whereas the smallest number of problems was found among boys who had low conflict and high contact.

The following is some of the findings of that research:

...findings for boys are consistent with the notion that frequent contact with non-custodial fathers is
beneficial, but only when it occurs within an atmosphere of co-operation between ex-spouses.

Nevertheless, our research, and that of others, shows that the consequences of contact between
non-custodial fathers and children depend on the quality of the post-divorce relationship between
parents.

When parents can co-operate and have a cordial relationship, encouraging frequent visits between
non-resident parents and children is likely to benefit the child. Furthermore, fathers who maintain frequent contact with their children are also more likely to pay child support (Seltzer et al. 1989), which is also beneficial. However, when the relationship between ex-spouses is marked by hostility, frequent visits may do more harm than good.

If both parents are to remain actively involved in children's lives, then some type of continuing relationship between parents is necessary. Mediation is an example of a process that may facilitate co-operation between ex-spouses. Mediation has been shown to reduce the level of acrimony between parents during the divorce process. However, if a co-operative relationship between former spouses is to be maintained over the long haul, especially as family circumstances change, then it may be necessary to provide mediation or other counselling services well after the divorce is finalised.

When parents remain antagonistic following divorce, a number of strategies could be adopted for ensuring that visitation does not generate conflict. Rules for visits may need to be clarified - for example, by eliminating unscheduled visits by the non-resident parent. Procedures can also be developed for minimising personal contact between parents when children are 'handed over', such as picking up children at the home of a relative or friend, rather than the home of the custodial parent. And non-custodial parents may need to be counselled on the importance of not missing a scheduled visit.
This demonstrates that an award of joint custody does not, in and of itself, improve the relationship between hostile parents. Consequently, it would appear to be undesirable - from the child's perspective - for courts to impose joint custody on unwilling parents.

Clearly, divorce does not bring an end to the triadic relationship between parent, child and parent.

Instead, a good deal of research indicates that the quality of one relationship impacts on the others.
Researchers who wish to understand children's adjustment, therefore, will need to use conceptual
frameworks and analytic methods that take into account the full complexity of family relationships following divorce.

Basically what the research was trying to state, is that children can benefit from having access to both parents, custodial and non-custodial, that is as long as the relationship between parties is amicable

Keeping in touch with you children.

If you are separated from your children's mother being a father may be hard, but there are some very important things that you can do for your children. Here are some suggestions from the Parenting SA Parent
Easy Guide, 'Being a Dad.'
Keep in touch with your children even if it is painful to have to keep saying goodbye after you see them.
Your children need your love and care even though goodbyes are hard.
Sometimes it might seem as if it would be easier for the children if you did not see them. If you are a caring father it will be good for them to see you even if the comings and goings are difficult.
When the children are with you let them share your life. Let them see that men can cook their food (it doesn't have to be fancy) and take care of them. they will learn a lot about being a father this way.
Make the effort to learn to do things with your children.
Children will get more out of just being with you than expensive presents and always going on exciting outings (although they may ask.)
Be reliable about pickups and drop offs and sending back clothes Use give and take when it comes to making arrangements.
Try not to send messages with the children or keep asking them questions about their mother.
Keep in touch - often. Phone and write and remember birthdays and special occasions. Contact them when there a important school events such as exams, or going for a job.
Parents have the right to separate from their partner but they still have the responsibility to be a parent.
Children have the right to be cared for by both parents, even if you are not together.

More suggestions are offered in the Parent Easy Guide.

Being a Parent.

I was glancing through some literature published by the Northern Suburbs Resource Centre on Parenting. It begins by stating that, ‘Being a parent is a bit like being on the Mad Mouse at the Royal Show. For your first ride you are not sure what is around the corner or when the next loop will throw you screaming with fear.
You watch some people go on first and they look terrified, while others seem to take the ride so calmly. You soon realise that by watching and learning from others you are able to develop your own way of dealing with the spins and turns the Mad Mouse offers.’

This is so true especially for Stepfamilies, for there is not one method of being in a stepfamily, like I have said many times before regarding the Golden Rule of Stepfamilies, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. But we are able to learn from other stepfamilies, that is why I encourage you to write in to Step by Step with your experiences and how you have dealt with the many problems faced.

School Holidays

It is that time once again, school holidays!
School holidays can be difficult for some Stepfamilies, especially for stepmothers as their stepchildren come to visit for the holidays. I know that my wife still finds it difficult when my son comes for holidays. But holidays should be seen as a positive thing, a time when the stepfamily can generate their own family history.

Blended families are often so busy with "logistics" of managing and keeping everything organized, they may not think about taking time to "make memories." Even the simplest activities, if done with a sense of family spirit, can help the new blended family initiate a concrete record of their new family history. Often there is at least one member who loves to organize, collect, photograph, and document, and who may enjoy organising this activity. Families may want to begin a photo album with a family photo that includes all members and individual fun shots of each member.’
Growing Up With Yours, Mine and Ours in Blended Families
Prepared by: Barbara J. Wurzel, C.H.E.

HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY

[ Back ] [ Home ] [ Up ] [ Next ]