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Stepping Ahead

August 1997
 

Index
Are Grandparents Important
 Step Grandparenting
 10 Steps for Grandparents in Step
 Books
 My Mean Mother
 

This month we discuss some of the issues around being a grandparent when your own children go through divorce and remarriage. This area of stepfamily life is not well researched as other areas, but it is just as important. The majority of research focuses on the effects of divorce/remarriage either on the children or parents, and rightly so, but it negates in many ways the emotions of relatives who are caught in the middle.
How should relatives react to a divorce in their immediate family? How can they maintain the relationship that they may have with the children. How can they possibly detach themselves from the situation? In Margaret Newmans book, ‘Stepfamily Realities’, there is an illustration with a set of grandparents looking down despondently at a box of toys labelled Billy and Nola’s toy box. The grandmother says, ‘I suppose we should send these on to their new grandparents.’ The grandfather just sighs. There must be an enormous amount of distress for grandparents when the contact with their grandchildren no longer exists or the visits are few and far between. What is the answer? I would say communication between all parties conveying that the well being of the children should be foremost. The children can gain so much having contact with all of their relatives, especially their grandparents.
 
 

Are Grandparents Important.

Just for a moment reflect on your own grandparents, what can you remember of them? In the majority of cases there would be great memories of your grandparents and the influence they have had on your  lives.
One study showed that 92% of grandchildren thought that grandparents contributed greatly to their growing up. Children like doing things with their grandparents and they value the love and gifts they receive from them.
But this is a two way street where in fact grandparents and grandchildren mutually enrich each other’s lives. The majority of grandparents derive pleasure from a feeling of renewal, from meaningful companionship and from being able to contribute to the development of their grandchildren.

Should this be pushed aside because of divorce and remarriage?

(John Faulkner)

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Step Grandparenting:

If your son or daughter’s relationship breaks up it can bring special problems for grandparenting.
You may feel let down or disappointed or sad and angry. Talk it over with someone, a counsellor, if necessary.
Your grandchildren are going to need your support at this time. Don’t talk to your grandchildren about your disappointment with their parent(s), but listen to their feelings.
If your son or daughter is very distressed you may be needed to try to explain to the grandchildren what is happening, and to help them to talk about their feelings. This needs a great deal of tact and sensitivity as both of the couple are your granchildren’s parents. Children usually love and want to be with both their parents.
Try to keep positive relationships with both your grandchildren’s parents, so that they will want you to go on playing a part in the grandchildren’s lives.
If your son or daughter re-marries there will be other issues to think about. It is important to support the new relationship in front of the children, whatever you think about it.
If step grandchildren arrive you will need to think and talk about other things such as:
- what presents will each of the children receive for birthdays.
- what will you do about family inheritance?
- how will you be able to share you time between the grandchildren?

These are individual questions that need to be worked out for your own situation, but it is important that everyone’s feelings are considered.

Sometimes grandparents are called on to do the parenting while a son or daughter goes back to work after a separation. If this happens, be sure that you are willing to do it. It will probably be of great value to your grandchildren as long as it is not burden to you. Some grandparents in this situation resent that fact that it is hard work, and they can’t do things with their own friends. They worry about what will happen to the grandchildren if they lose their health and cannot continue the child care. Talk these things over with you son or daughter. Get support from a counsellor if necessary.

Your grandchildren may have problems as they struggle with their own feelings about the changes. These feelings could show up in their behaviour. Behaviour problems come from unhappiness. It is important talk this over with the children’s parents, so you can get help with managing the children if you need to.
(From Parenting SA, Parent Easy Guide #12)

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10 STEPS FOR GRANDPARENTS-IN-STEP

By Carolyn Berger

Step 1. Recognize the Dynamics of Step: The stepfamily has its own special state of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, the behaviors can become predictable and positive. DO NOT try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the intact and natural family onto the stepfamily. To learn more about step, literature is available.

(I refer to some literature later on.)

Step 2. Give yourself time to grieve over the loss of the biological family: A stepfamily comes about upon a death or divorce in a nuclear family. Grandparents need to mourn the loss of that relationship before they can become a part of the stepfamily. Anger, resentment and fears are normal.
Step 3. Value yourself as a grandparent: Grandparents and stepparents are wonderful resource people. You have a lot to offer, such as unconditional love, family history and your life experience. Share!

Step 4. Reserve judgments: Negative judgments with a child can serve to increase the child's sense of confusion, conflict of loyalties and impact his self-esteem.

Step 5. There are no ex-grandparents, only ex-spouses: If you feel that you are not being treated fairly as a grandparent, find a way to establish your rights through a family conference, a grand parenting organization or legal means, if necessary.

(Do not think this is possible here in Australia.)

Step 6. Step-grand parenting: Go slow and see where your grand parenting skills are needed. Be prepared for the conflicts of biological and step feelings in you if there is more than one set of children in a household.

Step 7. Holidays, traditions and rituals: Maintain family rituals in your home as you wish them to remain.
Adapt to new traditions in the stepfamily as they develop.

Step 8. Wills, family heirlooms: Money generally follows biological family. Don't be hasty to reassign family heirlooms or assets. Consult your attorney for legal matters.

Step . Listen: Be an impartial sounding board to your grandchildren or step grandchildren. At times they might need someone just to listen.

Step 10.Guard your sense of humor and use it: The step situation is filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don't know whether to laugh or cry. Try humor . . .

(Stepfamily Foundation New York)

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Books.

I had the opportunity a couple of weeks ago to glance through a book Cinderella Revisted, by Peter Marshall. Just quickly looking through the various chapters there is a chapter on Step Grandparenting, could be worth reading if you are in this situation.
Cinderella Revisted: How to survive your stepfamily without a fairy Godmother. Peter Marshall

“Most of us are familiar with the story of Cinderella who, with the help of a kind fairy Godmother, falls in love, marries a prince and leaves her horrible stepfamily behind forever.

When you consider the task of trying to encourage two separate families to form a seamless family unit, it is not difficult to explain the popularity of the wicked stepfamily myth. Cinderella Revisited is the stepparents guide to surviving stepfamilies without a fairy godmother.   Peter Marshall combines his own experiences of living in a stepfamily with over twenty years of clinical work as a family psychologist. He discusses the issues peculiar to stepfamilies: the instant-love myth, discipline, co-parenting and more, demonstrating that a successful stepfamily can be a reality.”

This looks like a good book to have around the place. Although Dr Marshall is a clinical psychologist he has written the book in a user friendly manner.
The books looks at many areas:
- Myths and misconceptions
- Dealing with children’s loss.
- Love and marriage;
- Discipline;
- Stepmothers, and
- Grandparents.

When discussing myths Dr Marshall discusses the ‘second rate myth.’ He mentions in his book that as, ‘recently as 1976...a definition of a stepchild was ‘one who fails to receive proper care and attention.’ In this section of this books he dispels this myth of being second rate, and that research shows that, ‘simply being a member of a stepfamily does not impede children’s development or adjustment.’
This is a book that I will be trying to get a copy of. You maybe able to find it at a bookshop, but more than likely it will have to be ordered in for you. But it would be worth the effort. Retail price $14.95.

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One place where you will be able to find a copy is at COPE, the Human Relations Training & Resource Centre, at 116 Hutt Street, (08) 8223 3433. Below is a list of books they have in stock at the present moment. Ask for Elizabeth.
 

When a Parent Marries Again
  Marge Heegaard $11.95
Other Peoples Children
  Suzie Hayman  $14.95
Cinderalla Revisted
  Peter Marshall  $14.95
Split Ends: Teenage Stepchildren
  Ruth Webber  $14.95
When you Marry a Man with Children
    Barbara Keenan $17.95
Stepfamily Realities
  Margaret Newman $19.95
New Beginnings: Parents Manual
  Don Dinkmeyer  $23.95
Strengthening Your Stepfamily
  Elizabeth Einstein $24.95

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MY MEAN MOTHER

“I had the meanest mother in the world. While other kids had lollies for breakfast, I had to eat cereal, egg, and toast. While other kids had cans of drinks and lollies for lunch, I had to have a sandwich. As you can guess, my dinner was different from other kids too - as well as the food, we had to eat it at a table and not in front of the television. My mother insisted on knowing here we were at all times. You’d think we were on a chain gang or something. She even had to know who our friends were, where we were going and she even told us what time to be home. I am ashamed to admit it, but my mother actually had the nerve to break child labour laws. She made us work. We had to wash the dishes, make our beds, and even learn to cook. That
woman must have stayed awake at nights just thinking up things for us kids to do. She always insisted that we tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

By the time we were teenagers, our whole life became even more unbearable. No tooting the car horn for the girls in our family to come running. She embarrassed us by insisting that the boys come to the door to get us. I forgot to mention that most of our friends were allowed to date at the mature age of 12 and 13. Our old-fashioned mother refused to let us date before we were at least 15. She really raised a bunch of squares. None of us kids were ever arrested for shoplifting or busted for dope. And who do we have to thank for this? You’re right - our mean mother. Everyday we hear cries from both our people and politicians about
what our country really needs. What our country really needs is more mean mother like mine.

Reprinted from the Multiple Births Association of W.A. Newsletter.


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