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JUST FOR A LAUGH

OR

HUMOUR TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY.



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Note:  To the best of my knowledge the humour used in this web page is in the public domain.




A HUGE Thanks To:

The Many Unknown Authors

and

DailyComix
http://www.dailycomix.com/

and
Netdummy Humor
http://www.netdummy.com/

For The Humour Found On This Page




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Little Known Chinese Proverbs ...


Man who run in front of car, get tired.

Man who run behind car, get exhausted.

Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

War doesn't determine who's right - war determines who's left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who sit on tack get point.

Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.




Oxymorons ...

  • Found missing
  • Resident alien
  • Airline food
  • Same difference
  • Government organization
  • Sanitary landfill
  • Alone together
  • Business ethics
  • Sweet sorrow
  • Military intelligence
  • Plastic glasses
  • Terribly pleased
  • Definite Maybe
  • Pretty Ugly
  • Computer Security
  • Political science
  • Diet ice cream
  • Working vacation
  • Exact estimate
  • Microsoft Works




Shots From The Lip...


Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.

A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.




Things You Never Hear in Church...


  • Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

  • I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

  • Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

  • I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

  • I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

  • Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

  • I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

  • Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

  • Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

  • Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!





Kids on the Subject of Love...


WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

SOME SURE-FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS



Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery...


  • Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

  • Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

  • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

  • Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

  • Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

  • There go the lights again...

  • Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

  • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

  • Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

  • What's this doing here?

  • I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

  • That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

  • Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

  • Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?

  • What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

  • OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

  • This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

  • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

  • Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

  • What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

  • FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

  • Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

  • Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?




Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work...


  • They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

  • This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

  • I was working smarter - not harder.

  • Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

  • I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

  • This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

  • I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

  • I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

  • This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

  • I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

  • Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

  • The coffee machine is broken....

  • Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

  • Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

  • Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

  • I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

  • The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

  • Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.




Murphy's Laws for Law Enforcement ...



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Produced by Karen Day
kday@chariot.net.au
South Australia
Last updated: 30/06/2000
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