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Uncommon Computer Viruses...

BOBBIT VIRUS:  Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:  Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS:  Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS:  Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:  Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:  Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS:  Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:  Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:  Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:  Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS:  Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TEXAS VIRUS:  Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:  Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:  The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS:  You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS:  Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS:  Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS:  Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:  Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS:  Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:  Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2:  Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS:  Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:  Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS:  Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:  It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Answers To Questions You Never Thought To Ask ...

  • What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
    Quatro sinko.

  • What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk.

  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

  • What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
    A pachydermatologist.

  • What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
    A pool table.

  • What is a zebra?
    26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

  • What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

  • And what kind of lettuce?

  • What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
    A nervous wreck.

  • What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
    Anyone can roast beef.

  • Where do you find a no legged dog?
    Right where you left him.

  • Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
    They all have phones.

  • Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
    They're trying to get away from the noise.

  • Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
    He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

  • How do crazy people go through the forest?
    They take the psycho path.

  • How do you get holy water?
    Boil the hell out of it.

  • How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
    She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

  • What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

  • What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

  • What do prisoners use to call each other?
    Cell phones.

  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
    A stick.

  • What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
    Nacho Cheese.

  • What do you call Santa's helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses.

  • If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

  • If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  • Is there another word for synonym?

  • Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Signs in English(?) From Around The World... 

  1. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. 

  2. In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. 

  3. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
    Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. 

  4. In a Rome laundry:
    Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. 

  5. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
    Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. 

  6. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
    Would you like to ride on your own ass? 

  7. In a Swiss mountain inn:
    Special today -- no ice cream. 

  8. In a Bangkok temple:
    It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. 

  9. In a Tokyo bar:
    Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. 

  10. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions. 

  11. In a Tokyo Hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice. 

  12. In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 

  13. In a Leipzig elevator:
    Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. 

  14. In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. 

  15. In a Paris hotel elevator:
    Please leave your values at the front desk. 

  16. In a hotel in Athens:
    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. 

  17. In a Yugoslavian hotel:
    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. 

  18. In a Japanese hotel:
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. 

  19. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. 

  20. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. 

  21. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. 

  22. On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. 

  23. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs. 

  24. In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
    Drop your trousers here for best results. 

  25. Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking. 

  26. In a Rhodes tailor shop:
    Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. 

  27. From the Soviet Weekly:
    There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Funny Stuff & Quotes...

A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.

Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."

"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"

Al was finding it difficult to sleep at night. He begged the doctor to give him a strong sedative. The doctor obliged, but told him to take only half of the prescribed pill. To make sure he slept, Al took a whole pill and went to sleep.

As dawn came up, Al awoke. He felt refreshed. Cheerful, he went to work. As he walked into the office, he saw the boss and said, "I'm ready. I slept like a log. I jumped out of bed like a kid this morning."

The boss said, "Nice. But where were you yesterday?"

An operator on a "help desk" received a phone call from a lady who asked:

"Will I be able to send emails and surf the Internet if I plug my laptop into the cigarette lighter in my car?"

"No, Mam. You need to connect to a cable modem or a phone wire" was the reply.

"Well, how come I can use my cell phone to talk to someone when it is hooked to the cigarette lighter?"

Classic Bill Gates Quote!

"There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft."

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.

One day, he took me aside and left me there."
- Ron Richards

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
- Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." - ...On what? ... On fire?"
- Rita Rudner

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.'

Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
- Yakov Smirnoff

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
- Jerry Seinfeld

'USA Today' has come out with a new survey:

Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
- David Letterman

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
- Jay Leno

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?
- Larry Miller

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's their fault;
     If he/she betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas;
     Average minds discuss events;
           Small minds discuss people.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
     You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing. But so few people can hold it.

A lawyer successfully defended a client in a scandalous and highly publicized trial. At a party after the trial ended, he was cornered by an indignant woman.

"Is there no client so low, so despicable, so outrageous, that you wouldn't take the case?" she demanded.

"It all depends," said the lawyer equably. "What did you do?"

Two law partners were having lunch one day, when one of them suddenly jumped up and exclaimed,

"Oh, no! I've got to get back to the office! I left the safe unlocked!"

The other lawyer looked at his partner calmly and replied,

"What are you worried about? We're both here."



comic page 5

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Produced by Karen Day
South Australia
Last updated: 30/06/2000
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