|Note:||To the best of my knowledge the humour used in this web page is in the public domain.|
Uncommon Computer Viruses...
Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.
|OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:||
Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.
|POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:||
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic
|RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:||
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.
|ROSS PEROT VIRUS:||
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
|ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:||
Terminates your session and then disappears. It'll be back.
|DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:|| Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.
|GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:||
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
|NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:||
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
|FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:||
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
|ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:||
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.
Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.
|OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:||
Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
|JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:||
Your programs can never be found again.
|CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2:||
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
|IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:||
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
|STAR TREK VIRUS:||
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
|MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:||It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.|
A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence,
but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge.
After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a
maximum of ten years in prison.
Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"
Al was finding it difficult to sleep at night. He begged the doctor to give him a strong sedative. The doctor obliged, but told him to take only half of the prescribed pill. To make sure he slept, Al took a whole pill and went to sleep.
As dawn came up, Al awoke. He felt refreshed. Cheerful, he went to work. As he walked into the office, he saw the boss and said, "I'm ready. I slept like a log. I jumped out of bed like a kid this morning."
The boss said, "Nice. But where were you yesterday?"
An operator on a "help desk" received a phone call from a lady who asked:
"Will I be able to send emails and surf the Internet if I plug my laptop into the cigarette lighter in my car?"
"No, Mam. You need to connect to a cable modem or a phone wire" was the reply.
"Well, how come I can use my cell phone to talk to someone when it is hooked to the cigarette lighter?"
Classic Bill Gates Quote!
"There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft."
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.
One day, he took me aside and left me there."
- Ron Richards
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
- Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." - ...On what? ... On fire?"
- Rita Rudner
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.'
Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
- Yakov Smirnoff
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
- Jerry Seinfeld
'USA Today' has come out with a new survey:
Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
- David Letterman
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
- Jay Leno
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?
- Larry Miller
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it's their fault;
If he/she betrays you twice, it's your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
The tongue weighs practically nothing. But so few people can hold it.
A lawyer successfully defended a client in a scandalous and highly publicized trial. At a party after the trial ended, he was cornered by an indignant woman.
"Is there no client so low, so despicable, so outrageous, that you wouldn't take the case?" she demanded.
"It all depends," said the lawyer equably. "What did you do?"
Two law partners were having lunch one day, when one of them suddenly jumped up and exclaimed,
"Oh, no! I've got to get back to the office! I left the safe unlocked!"
The other lawyer looked at his partner calmly and replied,
"What are you worried about? We're both here."
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