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Great Imponderables! ...
contributed by Tomas Tidén of Funny Monday

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why is there always one in every crowd?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Some Computer Terms ...

Alpha:-  Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta:-  Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
CPU:-  Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.
Default Directory: -  Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Error message:-  Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings
File:-  A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware:-  Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
Help:-  What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output:-  Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release:-   Information is input from the A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory:-  Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer:-  A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers:-  Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Funny Bumper Stickers...

Drive carefully!
Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
How do they get the kangaroo or deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Support Search & Rescue
If you don't like the way I'm driving,
YOU come get these handcuffs off!
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Attention: Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
Madness takes its toll.
Please have exact change ready.
Supporting America's Militant Agnostics...
we don't know, and you don't either.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Witches' Parking
All others Toad.
Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly.
Missing... dog and wife.
Reward for dog.
i souport publik edekasion.
Back Up My Hard Drive?
How do I Put It In Reverse?
Pardon my driving.
I'm reloading.
Don't look back,
they might be gaining on you.
Car service:
If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
There are two kinds of pedestrians
the quick and the dead.
I have an answering machine in my car.
It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush,
leave work at noon!
Earth first!
(We'll strip-mine the other planets later)
Support your country police
Drive really fast.
YES this is my truck.
NO I wont help you move.
You're driving a car!!  
It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlour or a restaurant.
My karma ran over your dogma.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you are close enough to read this,
I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.

Drug Dealers Vs Software Developers...

Drug Dealers: Refer to their clients as "users".
Software Developers: Refer to their clients as "users".

Drug Dealers: "The first one's free!"
Software Developers: "Download a free trial version..."

Drug Dealers: Have important South-East Asian connections.
Software Developers: Have important South-East Asian connections.

Drug Dealers: Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag"
Software Developers: Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java".

Drug Dealers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Software Developers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Drug Dealers: Job assisted by the production of newer, more potent mixes.
Software Developers: Job assisted by the production of newer, faster machines.

Drug Dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
Software Developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.

Drug Dealers: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
Software Developers: DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem. 'Nuff said.

Drug Dealers: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers: Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in cyberspace?...

  • 1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

  • 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

  • 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

  • 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

  • 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

  • 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

  • 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

  • 111 to defend the posting to this list, saying that, "We are all using light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list."

  • 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brands of light bulb work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

  • 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

  • 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and to post corrected URLs.

  • 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

  • 33 to collate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

  • 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

  • 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

  • 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

  • 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

  • 47 to say that this is just what this list was meant for, leave it here.

  • 143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb.

  • 38 votes proclaiming the advantages in using vintage light bulbs.

Humorous Tag Lines For Your Email Messages...

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it.

A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

A pessimist is never disappointed.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a man to face cancer.

Assassins do it from behind.

Barium: What you do with dead chemists.

Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

Eat Lamb. 50,000 Coyotes can't be wrong.

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Facts are stubborn things.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Help!.. My Reality Cheque Bounced!

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!

Black holes really suck.

Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.

Born free... taxed to death.

Budget....A method for going broke methodically.

C program run.
C program crash.
C programmer quit.

Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Cigar Smokers Appreciate A Great Butt

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime??

Death to all fanatics!

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Diplomacy....the art of letting someone have your way.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Alternative Windows 95 Ad Slogans ...

Microsoft's ad slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today? " Here are some alternative slogans:

  • Windows: The colourful clown suit for DOS.

  • Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

  • Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

  • Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.

  • A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle

  • Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

  • Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

  • I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.

  • I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.

  • My latest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

  • Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!

  • How do you want to crash today?



comic page 4

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Produced by Karen Day
South Australia
Last updated: 30/06/2000
Version 1.0
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