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Murphy's Laws of Computing ...

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's obsolete.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

True Stories ...

Compaq is considering changing the instruction "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer." The user had turned the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still couldn't see the printer.

True Tech Support Stories ...

Tech Support: "Ok Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Customer: How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

After spending half an hour trying to find an email problem, tech support discovered that the sweet old lady was typing in her home P.O. Box address@domain and didn't understand why it didn't work.

When asked for his "user" name, a customer provided a list of all family members including himself.

A Dell customer called tech support to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor's screen and pressing the "Send" key.

A woman called the Canon help desk about a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her Mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" command and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

The Top 12 Things You Don't Want
to Hear From Tech Support...

12) Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?

11) ...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it.

10) So -- what are you wearing?

  9) Duuuuuude! Bummer!

  8) Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium
      crystals, Cap'n.

  7) Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes.
      Press 3 if you're with the FTC.

  6) We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife,
      a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.

  5) I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

  4) In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

  3) Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!

  2) Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.

  ...and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear
  From Tech Support...

  1) Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.

Word Power - New Words for the Day ...
Arachnoleptic fit (n.)  The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Bozone (n.)  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.)  The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor (n.)  The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Dopelar effect (n.)  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.)  An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon.

Foreploy (n.)  Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to  s e x.

Grantartica (n.)  The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding

Hemaglobe (n.)  The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation (n.)  A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Lullabuoy (n.)  An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Actual Notes Written by Parents to Excuse Their Kids from School...

!!!! My son is under a doctor's care and cannot take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

!!!! Please excuse Lisa for being absent.
She was sick and I had her shot.

!!!! Dear School : Please excuse John from being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.

!!!! Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.
She is administrating.

!!!! John has been absent because he had two teeth
taken out of his face.

!!!! Chris will not be in school today because
he has one acre in his side.

!!!! Carlos was absent from school yesterday because
he was playing football and injured himself in
the growing part.

!!!! Please excuse James for being.
It was his father's fault.

!!!! Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot the Sunday paper on the porch and when we found
it Monday we thought it was Sunday.

!!!! Gloria was absent yesterday because she had a gangover.

!!!! My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent the weekend with the marines.

!!!! Megan could not come to school yesterday because she
was bothered by very close veins.

!!!! Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

!!!! Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.
We have to attend her funeral.

!!!! Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

!!!! Maryann was absent Nov 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, because even
her father got hot last night.

!!!! Please excuse Ray from being absent on Friday.
He has very loose vowels.

!!!! Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrea and his boots leak.

!!!! Please excuse Pedro for being absent yesterday.
He had diahre --- dirya --- diretha --- The Runs.

Signs Of The Times ...

You Know You're Getting Old When ...
P You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
P Every time you think about exercise, you lie down til the thought goes away.
P Your mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
P You finally know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
P You finally get your head together, but your body is falling apart.
P You just hang something in your closet for awhile, and it shrinks two sizes.
P You've seen it all, done it all, and can't remember most of it.
P You were just getting used to yesterday, then along came today.
P You think you understand everything and then you regain consciousness.

Words To Ponder...



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Produced by Karen Day
South Australia
Last updated: 30/06/2000
Version 1.0
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