|Note:||To the best of my knowledge the humour used in this web page is in the public domain.|
You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
Tech support calls YOU for help.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.
The last girl/guy you picked up was a JPEG.
You move into a house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer...
10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a
7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your
4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time
3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to
|PCMCIA||People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms|
|ISDN||It Still Does Nothing|
|APPLE||Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity|
|SCSI||System Can't See It|
|BASIC||Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control|
|IBM||I Blame Microsoft|
|DEC||Do Expect Cuts|
|CD-ROM||Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months|
|OS/2||Obsolete Soon, Too.|
|WWW||World Wide Wait|
|MACINTOSH||Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs|
|PENTIUM||Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics|
|COBOL||Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language|
|AMIGA||A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction|
|LISP||Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis|
|MIPS||Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed|
|WINDOWS||Will Install Needless Data On Whole System|
|GIRO||Garbage In Rubbish Out|
|MICROSOFT||Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.|
|JAVA||Just Another Vague Acronym|
|If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.|
In response to Bill's comments, General motors issued a press release stating:
If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
Tips for Managers and Bosses...
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
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