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JUST FOR A LAUGH

OR

HUMOUR TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY.



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Note:  To the best of my knowledge the humour used in this web page is in the public domain.




A HUGE Thanks To:

The Many Unknown Authors

and

DailyComix
http://www.dailycomix.com/

and
Netdummy Humor
http://www.netdummy.com/

For The Humour Found On This Page




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You Know You're Addicted to the Internet If...


Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer...

10)     Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

   9)    It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

   8)    In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a
           friend's car.

   7)    It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

   6)    The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

   5)    Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighbourhood
           start howling.

   4)    The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time
           yet?"

   3)    The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

   2)    The only chip inside is a Dorito.

   1)    You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to
           your fabulous paperweight collection.




COMPUTER ACRONYMS EXPLAINED...

PCMCIA  People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN  It Still Does Nothing 
APPLE  Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity 
SCSI  System Can't See It 
BASIC  Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM  I Blame Microsoft 
DEC  Do Expect Cuts 
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months 
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. 
WWW World Wide Wait 
MACINTOSH  Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs 
PENTIUM  Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics 
COBOL  Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language 
AMIGA  A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction 
LISP  Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis 
MIPS  Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed 
WINDOWS  Will Install Needless Data On Whole System 
GIRO  Garbage In Rubbish Out 
MICROSOFT   Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers. 
JAVA  Just Another Vague Acronym



COMPUTERS VERSUS CARS...


At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: 
If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.


In response to Bill's comments, General motors issued a press release stating: 

If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:


 
  • For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

  • Every time the lines on the road were repainted you would have to buy a new car.

  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

  • Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

  • The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

  • If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

  • You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

  • Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

  • The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

  • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

  • Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key and grab hold of the radio antenna.

  • General Motors would require all car buyers to purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a General Motors's subsidiary) even if they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.

  • General Motors would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

  • Every time General Motors introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

  • You'd press the Start Button to shut off the engine.



Tips for Managers and Bosses...




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Produced by Karen Day
kday@chariot.net.au
South Australia
Last updated: 30/06/2000
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